I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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