My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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