FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
