Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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