just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
