I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
MIDGETS
????
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
