I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We are all done wearing pants today
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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