I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
