do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
