I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize