Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
