i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
