my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
