Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
