Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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