New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
