I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
