My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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