The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
