I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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