I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
