i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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