I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize