One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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