i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
