I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
