I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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