ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
