i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
