a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize