My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
