Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
