I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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