What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
