I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
