My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
