Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
