is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
