just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize