I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
