Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
