I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
