____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
two words: eviction party
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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