I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He passed out mid-signature
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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