I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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