I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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