You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
