i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize