Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
