Non-Jews are for practice
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
