i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize