I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
