I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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