I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
