a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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