just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
