tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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