the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
