Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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