I wish I could punch you in the face.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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