I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
