I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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