i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
