I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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