Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
