Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize