In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
