Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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