I will die if light touches me.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
