He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
