all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
