finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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