tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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