I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
