I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
