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Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
